Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Power to go crazy?

I was given a copy of "The Power" for being the coordinator of my local fertility support group. One of the theories is that if you truly think about what you want and truly believe that it will happen, it will. I have always believed this to be true but...and this is where the book goes a bit further. It describes a woman who wanted a job and she did everything in her power to do so, she sent many resumes to potential jobs, went on countless job interviews and nothing happened. Then one day she decided that she would set her alarm like she had to go to work and get dressed like she was going to work. (I wonder what she did during her "work day"? I picture her sitting at a desk in her house, fake answering her Back to the theory...after 2 weeks of doing this she got and interview and landed her dream job. So this brings me to my dilemma. Do I jump into this theory and baby up my spare bedroom? Get up in the middle of the night and rock a cabbage patch doll back to sleep. I can only imagine that this would make me look crazy...and if "baby" doesn't happen, what do I do with the room then? But then again if I don't do this and it still doesn't work...what then, will I regret not doing this?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Video of an Egg Donor Child

I found this video and I couldn't help but share. I hope my future child is just as understanding and comfortable with their story when they get older.


Friday, December 17, 2010


A big step today...

Got my protocol and the donor termination of parental rights documents...I'll update with more details later...yea!!!

Ok so here is the update:

What a busy email day...

It started with an email from the clinic with my protocol and medical consent forms to fill out. Yippee! Estrace 4mg twice a day starting on December 30th, ultrasound on the 12th to see where my lining is...depending on the results of the ultrasound will predict the rest of the protocol. But if all goes well I'll take my progesterone shots, 1cc once a day, (ouch) and progesterone suppositories (yuck) 3x a day. Then we should be in T.O. for transfer the last week of January.

My eyes are crossed by all of the pages of medical and legal mumbo jumbo...I forwarded the documents to our lawyer. We should hear back from her next week.

So excited!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Resilience and Julia Childs

"Resilience" in psychology is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a “steeling effect” and function better than expected. (thanks Wikipedia)

Most days I agree with this...J is a strong believer that no matter what we face we will reach that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We have setbacks, minor breakdowns, big bills, fear of everything crumbling under us, moments of despair and arms in the air wtf moments. We will get through this...I honestly do feel we will. Not sure exactly how or if the part we have blueprinted will come exactly as mostly likely will not but the end result, a child to call our very own will happen.

I re-watched "Julie and Julia" this afternoon and I was struck by Meryl Streep's (a mother of 4) ability to capture a infertile woman's inner turmoil of watching a stroller go by her pushed by a loving mother or when a letter comes from her sister announcing her pregnancy although she admittedly is happy she weeps for her own emptiness. Would anyone else in our shoes have noticed those wasn't flat out said that she couldn't conceive but it was evident. How did Meryl prepare I wonder? Did she herself have a hard time conceiving? Did her children? Someone she is close to? Who did she speak to or observe to make those sighs and gazes look so similar to my own? I wonder...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

"6.6mm and a follicle...what?"

I went for an internal ultrasound yesterday morning...ugh at 7:15am...too early but I didn't have to wait. When we were at the doctors last month we asked if we should do an ultrasound just to make sure I was all good. So here we are...

I was taken into the ultrasound room by the tech and asked to undress from the waist down and get on the table. So she came back in and put the "magic wand" where it needed to go. She was doing her measurements and told me the lining looked great triple stripe...the Dr came in at this point. I should mention that this is a local doctor in my city, my RE is over 4 hours away in another town. So they were measuring away and the lining was 6.6mm, which normally would be OK but I'm a bit confused...I've been on estrogen for an extra 10 days or so because my RE wants me to stop taking the meds after this cycle so that next month when we start back up again I'm synced up with the donor. But that being said I think my lining should be 8mm+.

The other thing that they found was a follicle. But my FSH is super high and all past tests have pointed towards a low ovarian reserve (in reality I don't have any eggs). But the tech said (with the Dr in the office) "why don't you go home and try this month." WHAT?!?! Who the fuck are you? They were just there to do an ultrasound for my RE, they have never seen my file nor to the know anything about what I've been diagnosed. But it got me thinking...I never have tried being triggered because my old RE never felt comfortable, he thought that it would be a waste of time and our money. But it got me thinking...was he right? Should we have tried in the past anyways?

It really shook me up. I talked with J. We both decided that we have to trust the doctors, we have committed to this next DE step. If it doesn't work (but it will) we'll reassess.

The other surprising thing was that my RE's office emailed me 1hr after I left that they already got the results. Wow that was fast! She said the 6.6mm was good but I expressed my concerns about it and reexplained the meds for this month and she replied back saying..."the Dr thought you were only taking 1/2 of dose that you are" the hell does that mean...I have the pill bottle with the instructions on it, it says to take two pills twice a day...I emailed her back but I haven't heard back from them yet. Did the pharmacy mess up the label? It estrogen and its not my protocol cycle, for that I'm thankful. But seriously. I'll keep you posted on what transpires.

Updated: I'm an idiot...its 8mg total dose a day so I'm taking 2mg in each pill. Ugh moron....