5dp3dt, random thoughts in a 2ww

I'm already tired of waiting. Its' only been 6 days since the transfer.
My heart goes out to anyone that has done this hell wait more than once. I hope I don't have to do this more than once.

I wonder if I should POAS early next week but then wonder if I could deal with the thought of it coming back negative. J and I talked about it last night over Valentines Day dinner. He thinks I should wait. I just want him to be there when I find out. I don't want to get that call alone or while I'm at work. I think I may "work from home" next Thursday. I just don't know.

I'm questioning everything that could be a symptom. My boobs don't really hurt unless I push on them but even still not a lot of pain.

My tummy gets more bloated as the days goes on but that is a symptom of the progesterone. I get twinges from time to time in my belly. Not sure if they are good or bad twinges.

The embryo(s) should have implanted yesterday so I think any pregnancy signs should get more increased from today on. We'll see.

I did feel sick yesterday morning but that could have been just due to the fact of going back to work which is not a great place to be right now. A colleague just quit and the office is a bit of a stressful place. Can't wait for my review this afternoon. One of my colleagues just announced that her sister (who had been IF and this was her last shot) got a positive beta yesterday. I'm happy for her but I just want to the the positive one.

I want to be able to tell my family in a creative way that it worked. A cake with a fondant positive pee stick, t-shirts that say grandma and grandpa on them, a shirt for my dog that say "soon to be fur brother".

I just finished my lunch at work. Now I'm freaking out that it was a cold meat sub. Apparently processed meats are not good for you if your pregnant. There are so many do's and don'ts that I just don't know what to follow and not.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 9.5 days...

3 P's

I know that I was warned about the uncomfortable feeling of a full bladder but wow, it friggin' hurt. I told J that I was scared that I would leak like a water bed during the acupuncture. I didn't thankfully but the acupuncturist laughed at the comment. I also listened to a guided meditation during the acupuncture. The visualization at was of a warm bath (flowing water...um not helping), then it also talked about going to a place of vacation to all of my cells feel like bursting. The only thing that i could think about was the washroom and peeing. I was allowed to pee before going into the OR, I sat there for what seemed like eternity. J told me to go again...so I slipped out and went again. Then the ultrasound tech came in after I got back checked to make sure my bladder was full enough and let me go one more time. So in all I went three times. It was damn full!

The doctor came in did his clamp, clean, insert thing and then transferred in 2 beautiful embies! J is calling them P1 and P2. P is for petri. I'll post the pictures when I get back home. I took them on my phone and I can' figure out how to get them on here yet. t was kind of surreal. I still can't believe they are inside me right now. I keep touching and rubbing my belly. J asked how my belly was feeling a few minutes ago and I told him I couldn't fell them kicking yet. Ha-ha.

Now the 2ww...

Sweet 17!

Yep that's right. We have 17 embryos at this point. We'll find out tomorrow how the "baseball team" is doing. Everything seems to be on track for the scheduled Thursday transfer.

Yesterday to pass the time we went to the movies. Narnia 3D. So much fun!

Not much on the schedule for today. Just hanging out at the hotel for most of the day. Perhaps we'll play RISK...a family favorite board game. We'll see what happens.

...and we're off!

This is the second time trying to post. I'll retype the original one when I get to the hotel rather than my phone.

Just wanted express. I never thought I'd have to use a gas station bathroom to insert a progesterone vaginal suppository. Just saying...

UPDATE

Now that we've made it to the hotel I can actually retype what I had tried to on our way here from my phone. Here goes...

I got up this morning first...even before our dog who it the usually the first one up by a few whines and pawing at the door.

I rolled over and got out of bed, which then woke up the dog. I went downstairs to let him out to do his business then fed him. While he was eating I put the magic bag in the microwave to heat up.

I went back upstairs to set up my mini medical clinic and reread the instructions for the trillionth time. Everything went well...sort of. I did keep the vial upside down when I took the syringe out so some of the meds shot out of the vile. The needle tip is way larger than the one that goes into my butt. The get changed once the meds are in it.

I switched the need tips and put the syringe into the warm magic bag to warm up the meds to allow them to pass through the needle tip easier. Then I woke up J. Who did not want to get up at all. After 5 minutes of the dog licking his hand and face he got up. Tee hee.

He follows me into the bathroom and I was prepared that he would stab me there but made a good point (no pun intended) when he told me my butt would be more relaxed if I was lying down in my bed. So at least part of this process actually gets to happen in our bed.

While I was lying on my stomach he asks if I already changed the needle tip. I told him I had. Then with an knowing tone he says "oh that's big" thanks jackass!

He tells me to count to five and he'll jab me. I told him just to do it...and he did. It didn't hurt. I did feel it but it didn't hurt. The PIO is really viscous so it take a minute to get it through the needle tip and into me. While he was doing that he said something that made me laugh (can't remember what). So then my butt was moving from laughing then he told me to stop laughing. Well that's like telling me not to laugh in mass at church when something funny happens. After some deep breathing to stop laughing he got it all in me and that was that.

Easy as pie!

So here we are in our home for the next 5 nights. J watching the game and me typing on the computer. Off to snuggle and pretend I care about the football game. J tells me I'm supposed to type "Go Packers!

Update #2

Wanna hear a joke? Leave it to a pregnant infertile to blow her nose and see a tinge of red on the tissue and instantly panic. And then she remembers it came from her nose, not her vagina. And calmness resumes. I borrowed this from a fellow bloggerVenting Vagina

The email from the nurse this morning indicated that the donor has 15 follicles ranging from 14mm to 17mm. Not quite the 24 follies that we had 2 days ago but still a HELL of a lot more that I have myself.

She goes back in on Saturday for one more ultrasound then takes her trigger in the evening. Then that's it until 36 hours later for the retrieval.

I start my new medication protocol on Sunday (I originally thought it was Monday). POI, 4mg of estrace, progesterone suppositories x3 a day, still taking 81mg of aspirin and pregvit.

Work is busy trying to wrap things up here before I'm gone next week. I'm a bit worried for when I come back I have a few large functions that I need to organize upon my return in addition to whatever else fall on my desk in the next week.

I also anticipate that one of my collegues is going to quit in the next week or so...she just waiting for find another job then she is going to give her notice. So much for the first trimester not being full of stress...

Holy Follicles Batman!!!

24 seen on her ultrasound this morning!!

Happy dance!

Click here to see my reaction dance creapy looking dude but it made me laugh

She goes back in on Thursday for another ultrasound. We are still on track for Monday retreaval.

OMG I can't believe its next week...

Ugh face.book!

Seriously?!?!? Do you not think constant baby bump or ultrasound picutres were enough? Just when you think you've seen it all. This is how a FB contact announces she's expecting.



Ugh!

Sick and donor update

For the past few days I've been feeling like crap. it started with a bit of a sore throat, then it progressed into a fever and a runny nose. I tried going to work yesterday but I left at 11:00am. What a horrible feeling...I haven't been sick in a long time but wow it really hit me. J has been really great, cooking, cleaning and asking if there is anything that I need from him.

I was even sick on our 4 year anniversary on Sunday that we ate soup instead of eating the yummy steaks I had bought earlier. We'll celebrate later this week.

We've moved forward in this baby process quite a bit. I have to admit this being our first DE experience and never having gone thru IVF or IUI there is a lot we don't know or even know to ask. I take it as a blessing most of the time and just go with the flow. But every now and then I'm brushed against something I'm unsure of.

I knew the donor was going to start her injections last Saturday, what, how much and for how long I don't know nor did I think to ask. What do I know? They are the experts.

I have fertility friends that are going through IVF and IUI and I try to compare what they are going thru with what the donor and I are going thru and they are different protocols so its hard to relate or judge what is right for me or know what questions to ask.

I emailed my nurse to find out when the donor would be going for her ultrasound I was shocked to find out it wouldn't be until the 29th. I figured since she was starting her shots on the 15th that she would be going more often than that. I later found out this was normal, after a few back and forth emails with the nurse. She started Lurpon on Saturday. She is going in for blood work on the 24th. If all looks good then she will start her stim meds on the 24th. She will go for ultrasounds before the 29th but only on the 29th will they really get and idea of how many follies we're looking at.

Off to eat some soup that my mom brought over...

text from my brother in law tonight

This is a text conversation that I had with my brother in law on my husbands side tonight...

Him "so we're having a romantic night, homemade lasagna, some nice red wine, I even bought flowers...oh and we're playing big buck hunter in track pants"

WE PLAY A LOT OF VIDEO GAMES IN OUR FAMILY

Me "but your texting me?"

Him "all class all the time"

Me "lol"

Him "don't you want to be an aunt again" (side note no kids on my husbands side yet).

THIS IS WHERE I START TO BE UPSET

Me "eventually...one thing at a time"

Him "ok well not this week. How are you? (YOU HAVE NO IDEA, BUT HERE'S THE KICKER...THEY FULL OUT KNOW OUR FERTILITY ISSUES...GET READY FOR IT...)

Him "Who's winning you or us?"

WTF???

Me "Um...I'm not keeping score"

Him "Sens vs Flames"

SHIT..,WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO SPIN IT IN MY HEAD???

Me "Same there"

Him "what were you talking about...oh and 3-2 i.e. flames"

Me "I thought you were baby talking"

Him "no you win there"

Me "not yet keep you posted"

Him "not here as far as we know. Mexico (they just got back from holidays) was a good time, ya I know TMI"

AGAIN YOU HAVE NO IDEA

The Boys

I had the most vivid dream about giving birth to twin boys last night. From the doctor placing one on my chest to feed, to J and I laying on our bed and crying just looking at them between us.

I really want this...

omg!omg!omg!

So here it is.

All contracts are signed. After waiting for a LONG time to get the lawyer to have a 2 minute conversation saying everything looked fine. See previous post detailing aggravation.

All parties are paid.

Lining ultrasound on Wednesday first thing in the morning with
"shot class". This is where J learns to give me intramuscular shots. See the link if you want to watch what I have to look forward too. VIDEO

From there I find out the rest of my protocol. I should start progesterone suppositories, progesterone injections in cotton oil and decrease my estrogen later this week.

J's parents told us for Christmas that they wanted to pay for our hotel when we go down for the transfer, so nice of them to offer and we are going to take them up for it.

I need to confess something...I bought the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book. I know its pretty early but the first chapter is about before conception which is what twisted my arm into buying it. I was going to buy pregnancy tests too but I don't need to take it for over 6 weeks from now so I thought I'd hold out. It hard not to get too ahead of myself....really hard.

I'm going to freak out!!!

Ok so I got the Donor Termination of Rights contract on December 22nd. I sent it to my lawyer right away because of the holidays via email. I got an auto replay back saying shes on holidays until the 3rd and will not be checking her message until she returns. No biggie everyone needs a break and the documents were not due over the holidays.

So jump forward to today, 1 more voice mail and 2 emails more and 0 response from her. The documents are due tomorrow, I now have an extension until Wednesday (Thankfully). But WTF!!! Am I over reacting? Do I find a different lawyer, which is not easy to find a fertility lawyer? Do I just sign the papers and pass go? (obviously not...but I'm thinking about it).

I just left a final voice mail this morning...I don't know what to do if she doesn't get back to me today. I still have to get them notarized and super send them to the Donor Agency.

Trying not to freak out...more

*update: got and email from her this morning...she is supposed to call me early afternoon...again waiting...

**another update: emailed me yesterday afternoon...busy with meetings will call me early Monday morning. ARG!

Pushed back!?!?!

Ugh...donors cycle was late...retrieval is now on Feb 4th, transfer on the 7th...sigh.

Welcome 2011!!!

This is going to be a good year!

I think the resolutions are meant to be broken and have never made one myself.

But I thought I would give it a go this year since I hope to have many changes happen.

"I will to try to be an all around better person."

This is a big all encompassing resolution but here goes.
-I will try my hardest to be a positive person.
-I will remove myself from negative situations and conversations around me.
-Clean more.
-Finish 1/2 done projects.
-Spend more time with my family and friends.
-Bring my dog for more walks.
-Go to the gym 3 times a week.
-Eat better.
There that is it! So doable!

Its going to be hard at moments but I need and want to do this. I may need help along the way. A call or text to a friend to get me out of a funk...you know who you are. My husband to remind me in the morning why I am going to the gym. But I think it is worth it and if the only thing I take out of that book I will get back what I give out in 2011.

The Power to go crazy?

I was given a copy of "The Power" for being the coordinator of my local fertility support group. One of the theories is that if you truly think about what you want and truly believe that it will happen, it will. I have always believed this to be true but...and this is where the book goes a bit further. It describes a woman who wanted a job and she did everything in her power to do so, she sent many resumes to potential jobs, went on countless job interviews and nothing happened. Then one day she decided that she would set her alarm like she had to go to work and get dressed like she was going to work. (I wonder what she did during her "work day"? I picture her sitting at a desk in her house, fake answering her phone...lol.) Back to the theory...after 2 weeks of doing this she got and interview and landed her dream job. So this brings me to my dilemma. Do I jump into this theory and baby up my spare bedroom? Get up in the middle of the night and rock a cabbage patch doll back to sleep. I can only imagine that this would make me look crazy...and if "baby" doesn't happen, what do I do with the room then? But then again if I don't do this and it still doesn't work...what then, will I regret not doing this?

A Video of an Egg Donor Child

I found this video and I couldn't help but share. I hope my future child is just as understanding and comfortable with their story when they get older.

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Resilience and Julia Childs

"Resilience" in psychology is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a “steeling effect” and function better than expected. (thanks Wikipedia)

Most days I agree with this...J is a strong believer that no matter what we face we will reach that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We have setbacks, minor breakdowns, big bills, fear of everything crumbling under us, moments of despair and arms in the air wtf moments. We will get through this...I honestly do feel we will. Not sure exactly how or if the part we have blueprinted will come exactly as outlined...it mostly likely will not but the end result, a child to call our very own will happen.

I re-watched "Julie and Julia" this afternoon and I was struck by Meryl Streep's (a mother of 4) ability to capture a infertile woman's inner turmoil of watching a stroller go by her pushed by a loving mother or when a letter comes from her sister announcing her pregnancy although she admittedly is happy she weeps for her own emptiness. Would anyone else in our shoes have noticed those subtleties...it wasn't flat out said that she couldn't conceive but it was evident. How did Meryl prepare I wonder? Did she herself have a hard time conceiving? Did her children? Someone she is close to? Who did she speak to or observe to make those sighs and gazes look so similar to my own? I wonder...

"6.6mm and a follicle...what?"

I went for an internal ultrasound yesterday morning...ugh at 7:15am...too early but I didn't have to wait. When we were at the doctors last month we asked if we should do an ultrasound just to make sure I was all good. So here we are...

I was taken into the ultrasound room by the tech and asked to undress from the waist down and get on the table. So she came back in and put the "magic wand" where it needed to go. She was doing her measurements and told me the lining looked great triple stripe...the Dr came in at this point. I should mention that this is a local doctor in my city, my RE is over 4 hours away in another town. So they were measuring away and the lining was 6.6mm, which normally would be OK but I'm a bit confused...I've been on estrogen for an extra 10 days or so because my RE wants me to stop taking the meds after this cycle so that next month when we start back up again I'm synced up with the donor. But that being said I think my lining should be 8mm+.

The other thing that they found was a follicle. But my FSH is super high and all past tests have pointed towards a low ovarian reserve (in reality I don't have any eggs). But the tech said (with the Dr in the office) "why don't you go home and try this month." WHAT?!?! Who the fuck are you? They were just there to do an ultrasound for my RE, they have never seen my file nor to the know anything about what I've been diagnosed. But it got me thinking...I never have tried being triggered because my old RE never felt comfortable, he thought that it would be a waste of time and our money. But it got me thinking...was he right? Should we have tried in the past anyways?

It really shook me up. I talked with J. We both decided that we have to trust the doctors, we have committed to this next DE step. If it doesn't work (but it will) we'll reassess.

The other surprising thing was that my RE's office emailed me 1hr after I left that they already got the results. Wow that was fast! She said the 6.6mm was good but I expressed my concerns about it and reexplained the meds for this month and she replied back saying..."the Dr thought you were only taking 1/2 of dose that you are"...um...that the hell does that mean...I have the pill bottle with the instructions on it, it says to take two pills twice a day...I emailed her back but I haven't heard back from them yet. Did the pharmacy mess up the label? It estrogen and its not my protocol cycle, for that I'm thankful. But seriously. I'll keep you posted on what transpires.

Updated: I'm an idiot...its 8mg total dose a day so I'm taking 2mg in each pill. Ugh moron....

Tea'd off...milk does your body good?

I've stopped drinking coffee. It was surprisingly easier than I though considering I drank approximately 3 cups of coffee every morning and cut back to 1 then none. No headaches no crankiness...um...actually I don't think I did but I'd have to ask J to confirm.

I did however start drinking more herbal teas. I found out that green tea actually does have caffeine in it. Who knew? There is a non caffeinated version that you can get so I found out.

In my last trip to the grocery store I stocked up on many packages of decaffeinated herbal teas. Now I find out that some of the ingredients may be bad for you....ugh! Licorice root, hibiscus flower to name a few...is there anything not bad for you?

J seems to think cheese is worse for me than a cup of sleepy time tea...is he right or do I stop drinking certain teas with these ingredients? I can't seem to find any reliable source online for getting the right information.

Should I play it safe and only have water and milk? Or are the adds wrong for milk too? After looking up to make sure I had the slogan right for milk...I found out that apparently milk may not be good for you either...this is what I mean. I don't know who or what to believe. I'm not giving up my milk.

Plan of Attack and A Celeb Sighting...

Our mini vacation and appointment went really well. The doctor was great, it was nice not to hear "I'm really sorry" when leaving the doctors office. It was nice having a doctor with the next steps to a baby all laid out. This is going to happen.

J is not getting "excited" over the next steps...he just want to "go with the motions". Hes trying to stay grounded to that if this all comes tumbling down hes there to catch me. I love him. We talked with the doctor about doing a mock cycle...he see no need. We talked about 1 embie or 2. We told him we want to do whatever we can to make this more possible. He looked at us and said its not his preference an to really think about if we want to go thru a pregnancy with twins. I would love to have twins and "just get 'er done". But I think its in our best interest to get more information...I'll be visiting Chapter later today....

The main reason that we were at the Dr was that J was going to leave a sample to be frozen. We are going to do the transfer in the end of January and the weather in Ontario may be a problem. So jic we needed a plan B.

So the meeting ended and a few prescriptions were written and then the big bag was handed to me... I don't know why but I never expected that I would have to take needles...for 12 weeks. Yikes the nurse laughed when I looked into the bag. And "cough" vag suppositories to top it all off. Sigh...I still have a few weeks to get myself used to this idea.

Oh here is the celeb sighting that I had...very exciting if anyone watched the Hills or MTV. It was Dan Levy!

J and I were in Chapters and I looked up and there he was...in his unmistakable glasses and gray hat. So fun!!! I am kicking myself now for not asking for a picture with him. Ugh!