I'm starting to freak out

My ultrasound is on Thursday. I know that spotting is supposidly normal but I'm really worried. I spotted on Feb 19th 9dp3dt, Feb 25th 14dp3dt (talked to the nurse and she said it was fine as long as there was no cramping and its brownish in color, which it is), and today 25dp3dt. I have taken a pregnancy test a few days ago and it still came back positive. I haven't had cramping but twinges on and off, honestly not sure if it gas/digestive twinges. I just want to see my bean(s). I want to make sure this is all really real.

2nd beta is in

Over 8000!!! Wow!!!

Feeling pretty good right now. BB are sore and super tired around 1pm every day. A bit of spotting this morning but the nurses told me not to worry it is normal. But its hard not to stress a bit about it.

Ultrasound on the 10th...more waiting!

What a day

I went this morning at 8:30am for the bloodwork. My plan for the day was to "work from home" so I would be in a private setting when I got my results. My doctor had put on the req form "need results STAT". I was sitting in the little chair waiting and I overheard the nurse ask what test are on the list of stat. Then she named off what I was getting tested for in front of the 15 people in the waiting area to overhear including other patients. Number one upset point of the day. She came over and I quitely explain that I this was a test that needed the results today and she said "in your head you think its important that they come today". WTF?!?! Then I explained that it was important that I get the results and what the test was for she didn't seem to care. I asked her if I went to another lab would it be done faster she said no. She then said an STAT test is for someone who is having a diabetic coma and the doctor needs the results in an hour (I assume that someone in that situation would no go to a walk in blood lab) but my test would be run today and the doctor would get the results today. I asked what time the blood was being picked up and she told me 10am. I just let it be at that point.

When I was on my way home from the lab(the blood lab is 5 minutes from my house) a big truck rear ended me. I'm fine and the other guy is fine, but it caused a 2.5 hour delay in my day. Phone calls with insurance and just putting a bad spin on the day.

To top it all off its now 6:00pm the nurses from my clinic have all gone home and I still don't have the results. I know I'm pregnant becuase if the POAS results I've been getting but I just want the beta numbers.

FML

7dp3dt

Its been a week so far....the 1/2 way point.

My boobs hurt a lot. J actually said they look bigger today. No touchy!!!

I've been having a few odd feelings in my abdomen for the past 2 days. I don't know how to describe the feeling. It feels like a pulse. Then my tummy feels tender likes its bruised but not. Like I just did 50 crunches but not. Like I said...I don't know how to explain the feeling. Every now and then I'll get a twinge but nothing really painful.

I kept forgetting to contact the clinic to get the report on how the embryos did through the freeze. I did yesterday. She said all 12 made it. Hun? If you've been reading my past post...the doctor told us we had 10 after the transfer. What I didn't know and he didn't elaborate was that there were 2 that were a bit slower than the others that they let go to blast. So we have 12 waiting for us!

I really miss my bathtub. I usually take a bath every second day and soak while reading a book. I miss it but I hope its worth it.

I want to POAS...wait I know its too soon. However, Monday will be 11dpt. Monday is also a holiday called "Family Day" where I live. The research that I have found say that it is possible to detect on 11dpt.

Should I?

2dp3dt

I can't believe I am able to type that title. I was/am a bit worried that I don't feel anything really. A few twinges and teeny tiny cramps. But being so I wanted to figure out what stage the embies were possibly at and I found the following "schedules" for 3dt and 5dt.

3-DAY TRANSFER:
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

5-DAY TRANSFER:
-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

There it is...I have blastocysts inside me today.

3 P's

I know that I was warned about the uncomfortable feeling of a full bladder but wow, it friggin' hurt. I told J that I was scared that I would leak like a water bed during the acupuncture. I didn't thankfully but the acupuncturist laughed at the comment. I also listened to a guided meditation during the acupuncture. The visualization at was of a warm bath (flowing water...um not helping), then it also talked about going to a place of vacation to all of my cells feel like bursting. The only thing that i could think about was the washroom and peeing. I was allowed to pee before going into the OR, I sat there for what seemed like eternity. J told me to go again...so I slipped out and went again. Then the ultrasound tech came in after I got back checked to make sure my bladder was full enough and let me go one more time. So in all I went three times. It was damn full!

The doctor came in did his clamp, clean, insert thing and then transferred in 2 beautiful embies! J is calling them P1 and P2. P is for petri. I'll post the pictures when I get back home. I took them on my phone and I can' figure out how to get them on here yet. t was kind of surreal. I still can't believe they are inside me right now. I keep touching and rubbing my belly. J asked how my belly was feeling a few minutes ago and I told him I couldn't fell them kicking yet. Ha-ha.

Now the 2ww...

Sweet 17!

Yep that's right. We have 17 embryos at this point. We'll find out tomorrow how the "baseball team" is doing. Everything seems to be on track for the scheduled Thursday transfer.

Yesterday to pass the time we went to the movies. Narnia 3D. So much fun!

Not much on the schedule for today. Just hanging out at the hotel for most of the day. Perhaps we'll play RISK...a family favorite board game. We'll see what happens.

J's early morning date

All went well this morning. J "did his thing and I just sat in the waiting room.

I kept wondering if she'd show up while I was there. I do know what she looks like I had 3 pictures of her in her profile. I even know what her sister and father look like. What would I do if I saw her walk into the clinic for the retrieval... I think as much as I would have wanted to talk to her, to know her as more than just a 12 or so pages of q and a's. I would have kept my distance. I feel horrible for even typing this but as much as I am grateful for her...I don't want to know her. Thankfully, she didn't show in the waiting room. I've wondered about what gift I could give her to thank her for doing what she is doing. Necklace, flowers, day at the spa...nothing seems right. Part of me feels guilty for not getting her something...maybe I'll write a letter and give it to the agency to pass onto her. But then I don't know.

The IM shot this morning didn't hurt...until 30 minutes later and it hasn't stopped hurting yet, 2 hours later. J confessed that it may have moved when he was shooting me up. He feels bad. I'll milk up the sympathy for a while.

Stay tuned for retrieval update later today.

Here it is 28 eggs! 22 were mature enough to fertilize. We'll find out tomorrow how they did. In absolute disbelief.

Update #2

Wanna hear a joke? Leave it to a pregnant infertile to blow her nose and see a tinge of red on the tissue and instantly panic. And then she remembers it came from her nose, not her vagina. And calmness resumes. I borrowed this from a fellow bloggerVenting Vagina

The email from the nurse this morning indicated that the donor has 15 follicles ranging from 14mm to 17mm. Not quite the 24 follies that we had 2 days ago but still a HELL of a lot more that I have myself.

She goes back in on Saturday for one more ultrasound then takes her trigger in the evening. Then that's it until 36 hours later for the retrieval.

I start my new medication protocol on Sunday (I originally thought it was Monday). POI, 4mg of estrace, progesterone suppositories x3 a day, still taking 81mg of aspirin and pregvit.

Work is busy trying to wrap things up here before I'm gone next week. I'm a bit worried for when I come back I have a few large functions that I need to organize upon my return in addition to whatever else fall on my desk in the next week.

I also anticipate that one of my collegues is going to quit in the next week or so...she just waiting for find another job then she is going to give her notice. So much for the first trimester not being full of stress...

Holy Follicles Batman!!!

24 seen on her ultrasound this morning!!

Happy dance!

Click here to see my reaction dance creapy looking dude but it made me laugh

She goes back in on Thursday for another ultrasound. We are still on track for Monday retreaval.

OMG I can't believe its next week...

WTF???

Last night I got a text from a friend that knows we are going thru IF issues and told me to take a look at the W5 news that was on. I got the text 15 minutes after he sent it so the news was off. I went online to watch it. It made me so f*&KING angry. It was titled "The Murky World of Reproductive Medicine"

Rather than retype the whole story here is the link to watch/read about it HERE or go to another bloggers site "WANTED: One Good Embryo" THIS POST to read her take on it .

I just wanted anyone who saw this or anyone that goes to this link to know that the woman "Secaly" is not and should not be regarded as proper representation of the majority of women that need to get help to get pregnant. She is not well and her doctors should be ashamed of allowing her to continue to do what she is doing.

Shame on you W5 for choosing her to be the “poster child” for women in my situation and to continue to allow this "murky" shadow to be cast on us. Most people like me who need help to get pregnant do not want a designer baby with specific traits nor do we want to sell off the ones that don't come back perfect. We want a baby…period.

I vow that once I have a child to call my very own I will do everything that I can to have women in my situation in Canada portrayed as normal, non crazy humans who don't want designer babies with a specific gender or physical characteristics.

I promise.

Stim Day!

My donor is supposed to start her stims today! Seems so exciting to have something change even if it not yet with my personal cycle.

I'm really hoping that the next '10 sleeps' goes by really fast... I feel like this has taken forever already.

Sick and donor update

For the past few days I've been feeling like crap. it started with a bit of a sore throat, then it progressed into a fever and a runny nose. I tried going to work yesterday but I left at 11:00am. What a horrible feeling...I haven't been sick in a long time but wow it really hit me. J has been really great, cooking, cleaning and asking if there is anything that I need from him.

I was even sick on our 4 year anniversary on Sunday that we ate soup instead of eating the yummy steaks I had bought earlier. We'll celebrate later this week.

We've moved forward in this baby process quite a bit. I have to admit this being our first DE experience and never having gone thru IVF or IUI there is a lot we don't know or even know to ask. I take it as a blessing most of the time and just go with the flow. But every now and then I'm brushed against something I'm unsure of.

I knew the donor was going to start her injections last Saturday, what, how much and for how long I don't know nor did I think to ask. What do I know? They are the experts.

I have fertility friends that are going through IVF and IUI and I try to compare what they are going thru with what the donor and I are going thru and they are different protocols so its hard to relate or judge what is right for me or know what questions to ask.

I emailed my nurse to find out when the donor would be going for her ultrasound I was shocked to find out it wouldn't be until the 29th. I figured since she was starting her shots on the 15th that she would be going more often than that. I later found out this was normal, after a few back and forth emails with the nurse. She started Lurpon on Saturday. She is going in for blood work on the 24th. If all looks good then she will start her stim meds on the 24th. She will go for ultrasounds before the 29th but only on the 29th will they really get and idea of how many follies we're looking at.

Off to eat some soup that my mom brought over...

.75 mm and 3x stripe!

Woot woot! Just waiting for my clinic to get the results then send me the rest of my protocol.

J was hilarious at the clinic...I need more time and not be at work to type it so stay tuned for later.

UPDATE
So we were late this morning getting to the clinic by 15 minutes. I HATE being late, I HATE wasting people time. Any who, they were ready right away and said "C right this way" so I went right in an J followed me in. No problem I don't care if he's there for the ultrasound but I was surprised he joined me and told him so when the nurse left. He stopped in his tracks when we got in the room and said why, looked around and realized the probe like instrument was what was about to be in his wife and pretty much ran out of the room as fast as he could.

The doctor came in, did the ultrasound and all is good! He described my uterus as a wonderful 'hamburger' shape. I have never had my lady bits described as a food item before.

So I left the room and got J so we could learn how to do the shots. We sat down to learn what to do and the nurse was really nice and all was pretty simple.

We left the clinic and were waiting for the elevator and I realized I didn't tell him about the lining results. But I didn't realize the the doctor went out and showed J the pictures and described my 'hamburger' to him. J told me that hamburgers were out of the picture for dinner for a while...to bad I was craving them yesterday.

My clinic told me they got the results a few hours later and that we have lots of time to get the lining to .8mm. They are also going to let me know later when to start the shots.

So all in all a pretty good day!

omg!omg!omg!

So here it is.

All contracts are signed. After waiting for a LONG time to get the lawyer to have a 2 minute conversation saying everything looked fine. See previous post detailing aggravation.

All parties are paid.

Lining ultrasound on Wednesday first thing in the morning with
"shot class". This is where J learns to give me intramuscular shots. See the link if you want to watch what I have to look forward too. VIDEO

From there I find out the rest of my protocol. I should start progesterone suppositories, progesterone injections in cotton oil and decrease my estrogen later this week.

J's parents told us for Christmas that they wanted to pay for our hotel when we go down for the transfer, so nice of them to offer and we are going to take them up for it.

I need to confess something...I bought the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book. I know its pretty early but the first chapter is about before conception which is what twisted my arm into buying it. I was going to buy pregnancy tests too but I don't need to take it for over 6 weeks from now so I thought I'd hold out. It hard not to get too ahead of myself....really hard.

Yippeee!!!

A big step today...

Got my protocol and the donor termination of parental rights documents...I'll update with more details later...yea!!!

Ok so here is the update:

What a busy email day...

It started with an email from the clinic with my protocol and medical consent forms to fill out. Yippee! Estrace 4mg twice a day starting on December 30th, ultrasound on the 12th to see where my lining is...depending on the results of the ultrasound will predict the rest of the protocol. But if all goes well I'll take my progesterone shots, 1cc once a day, (ouch) and progesterone suppositories (yuck) 3x a day. Then we should be in T.O. for transfer the last week of January.

My eyes are crossed by all of the pages of medical and legal mumbo jumbo...I forwarded the documents to our lawyer. We should hear back from her next week.

So excited!

"6.6mm and a follicle...what?"

I went for an internal ultrasound yesterday morning...ugh at 7:15am...too early but I didn't have to wait. When we were at the doctors last month we asked if we should do an ultrasound just to make sure I was all good. So here we are...

I was taken into the ultrasound room by the tech and asked to undress from the waist down and get on the table. So she came back in and put the "magic wand" where it needed to go. She was doing her measurements and told me the lining looked great triple stripe...the Dr came in at this point. I should mention that this is a local doctor in my city, my RE is over 4 hours away in another town. So they were measuring away and the lining was 6.6mm, which normally would be OK but I'm a bit confused...I've been on estrogen for an extra 10 days or so because my RE wants me to stop taking the meds after this cycle so that next month when we start back up again I'm synced up with the donor. But that being said I think my lining should be 8mm+.

The other thing that they found was a follicle. But my FSH is super high and all past tests have pointed towards a low ovarian reserve (in reality I don't have any eggs). But the tech said (with the Dr in the office) "why don't you go home and try this month." WHAT?!?! Who the fuck are you? They were just there to do an ultrasound for my RE, they have never seen my file nor to the know anything about what I've been diagnosed. But it got me thinking...I never have tried being triggered because my old RE never felt comfortable, he thought that it would be a waste of time and our money. But it got me thinking...was he right? Should we have tried in the past anyways?

It really shook me up. I talked with J. We both decided that we have to trust the doctors, we have committed to this next DE step. If it doesn't work (but it will) we'll reassess.

The other surprising thing was that my RE's office emailed me 1hr after I left that they already got the results. Wow that was fast! She said the 6.6mm was good but I expressed my concerns about it and reexplained the meds for this month and she replied back saying..."the Dr thought you were only taking 1/2 of dose that you are"...um...that the hell does that mean...I have the pill bottle with the instructions on it, it says to take two pills twice a day...I emailed her back but I haven't heard back from them yet. Did the pharmacy mess up the label? It estrogen and its not my protocol cycle, for that I'm thankful. But seriously. I'll keep you posted on what transpires.

Updated: I'm an idiot...its 8mg total dose a day so I'm taking 2mg in each pill. Ugh moron....

Plan of Attack and A Celeb Sighting...

Our mini vacation and appointment went really well. The doctor was great, it was nice not to hear "I'm really sorry" when leaving the doctors office. It was nice having a doctor with the next steps to a baby all laid out. This is going to happen.

J is not getting "excited" over the next steps...he just want to "go with the motions". Hes trying to stay grounded to that if this all comes tumbling down hes there to catch me. I love him. We talked with the doctor about doing a mock cycle...he see no need. We talked about 1 embie or 2. We told him we want to do whatever we can to make this more possible. He looked at us and said its not his preference an to really think about if we want to go thru a pregnancy with twins. I would love to have twins and "just get 'er done". But I think its in our best interest to get more information...I'll be visiting Chapter later today....

The main reason that we were at the Dr was that J was going to leave a sample to be frozen. We are going to do the transfer in the end of January and the weather in Ontario may be a problem. So jic we needed a plan B.

So the meeting ended and a few prescriptions were written and then the big bag was handed to me... I don't know why but I never expected that I would have to take needles...for 12 weeks. Yikes the nurse laughed when I looked into the bag. And "cough" vag suppositories to top it all off. Sigh...I still have a few weeks to get myself used to this idea.

Oh here is the celeb sighting that I had...very exciting if anyone watched the Hills or MTV. It was Dan Levy!

J and I were in Chapters and I looked up and there he was...in his unmistakable glasses and gray hat. So fun!!! I am kicking myself now for not asking for a picture with him. Ugh!

1WW, coffee and graduation

Well not the kind of wait we're all hoping for but it is 1 week before J and I go to visit our Dr to find out how the donor screening went. I'm really excited. We're going to drive up on Sunday and check into a hotel. I really want to go to a nice dinner but DH is really figting hard not to make it an expensive weekend. I know we spend a lot in this process and that every penny that we spend extra is cutting into future spending but is it so wrong to want a nice steak? After dinner (I'll let you know where we end up going) were toying with the idea of going out to a movie. Our appt is on Monday at 1pm. we'll probably sleep in then make our way to that end of town.

I'm a bit bummed because I just signed up for a fertility yoga class and its on Sunday nights. I'll miss the first one which sucks...but it is what it is.

I sit here drinking a nice cup of coffee which I decided last night while going through the thoughts in my head that I am going to ween myself off of coffee...starting tomorrow. Well actually I'll finish this cup and rather than going to work with a travel mug of coffee I'll opt for a herbal tea.

I met up with a fertility friend on Saturday for coffee. She just got a BFN after ICI. Its her 6th try. I don't know if I could go through DE ivf 6 times mentally let alone afford it. She is really strong...I don't think she thinks she is though. We talked about our support group and what it would be like to have one of us "graduate" on one hand we would be happy but on the other sad it wasn't us. I get a pang of hurt every time I see another baby announcement made on Facebook or at a restaurant or on TV and I really wish that it didn't hurt. But I know it will take all of my strength to not put on FB that I'm preggo when it happens. Its not fair to those out there suffering alone or those ladies I've met in the club.

I think about after I graduate...will I push this aside and forget that this was a big part of my life and enjoy what I've been longing for for so long? I hope I don't forget...

Trying Not to Over Control

So I plan catered events for a living. I work for a really great catering company that caters events as small as 12 people to as large as 1200.

Everyday I plan, organize, control, delegate, manage expectations, calm the client, deal with 3rd party suppliers, etc.

So needless to say when the control is in everyone else hands this process is very difficult for me. I am doing me best to hold back calling/emailing the clinic about small things. These are people that I really don't want to make upset or annoyed. Buts its hard not having the control that I have everyday in my worklife.

I have thought about it at night when trying to fall asleep.....here is a bit of a tangent...ugh...why is it that J can have his head hit the pillow and fall asleep in 30 seconds flat to the point where his body is twitching and heavily breathing but it takes me a good 30 minutes to fall asleep most nights. To top it all off my dog also can be snoring on the floor at the end of the bed in the same time as J. Ahh!

Anywho back to thinking at night...I think I'm going to save all of my questions that really could wait in an email that I'll keep as a draft and send it once every 2 weeks. Does this make sense...obviously if it is a question that needs to be answered within 24 hours I'll send it sooner but I think this works...I hope I really don't know how else I'm going to get through the next 2 months otherwise.

We do have an appointment at the clinic on the 15th. The clinic is 5 hours away so we are going to meet the Dr in person (only have had a phone meeting) and for J to leave a little swimmer sample. If the weather is like it normally is in January/February we want to make sure there is a backup plan jic. The Dr also mentioned in our consult that some men have a hard time producing under pressure so its a good call either way....this makes me laugh and J is adamant it won't happen to him...lol.