5dp3dt, random thoughts in a 2ww

I'm already tired of waiting. Its' only been 6 days since the transfer.
My heart goes out to anyone that has done this hell wait more than once. I hope I don't have to do this more than once.

I wonder if I should POAS early next week but then wonder if I could deal with the thought of it coming back negative. J and I talked about it last night over Valentines Day dinner. He thinks I should wait. I just want him to be there when I find out. I don't want to get that call alone or while I'm at work. I think I may "work from home" next Thursday. I just don't know.

I'm questioning everything that could be a symptom. My boobs don't really hurt unless I push on them but even still not a lot of pain.

My tummy gets more bloated as the days goes on but that is a symptom of the progesterone. I get twinges from time to time in my belly. Not sure if they are good or bad twinges.

The embryo(s) should have implanted yesterday so I think any pregnancy signs should get more increased from today on. We'll see.

I did feel sick yesterday morning but that could have been just due to the fact of going back to work which is not a great place to be right now. A colleague just quit and the office is a bit of a stressful place. Can't wait for my review this afternoon. One of my colleagues just announced that her sister (who had been IF and this was her last shot) got a positive beta yesterday. I'm happy for her but I just want to the the positive one.

I want to be able to tell my family in a creative way that it worked. A cake with a fondant positive pee stick, t-shirts that say grandma and grandpa on them, a shirt for my dog that say "soon to be fur brother".

I just finished my lunch at work. Now I'm freaking out that it was a cold meat sub. Apparently processed meats are not good for you if your pregnant. There are so many do's and don'ts that I just don't know what to follow and not.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 9.5 days...

2dp3dt

I can't believe I am able to type that title. I was/am a bit worried that I don't feel anything really. A few twinges and teeny tiny cramps. But being so I wanted to figure out what stage the embies were possibly at and I found the following "schedules" for 3dt and 5dt.

3-DAY TRANSFER:
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

5-DAY TRANSFER:
-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

There it is...I have blastocysts inside me today.

WTF???

Last night I got a text from a friend that knows we are going thru IF issues and told me to take a look at the W5 news that was on. I got the text 15 minutes after he sent it so the news was off. I went online to watch it. It made me so f*&KING angry. It was titled "The Murky World of Reproductive Medicine"

Rather than retype the whole story here is the link to watch/read about it HERE or go to another bloggers site "WANTED: One Good Embryo" THIS POST to read her take on it .

I just wanted anyone who saw this or anyone that goes to this link to know that the woman "Secaly" is not and should not be regarded as proper representation of the majority of women that need to get help to get pregnant. She is not well and her doctors should be ashamed of allowing her to continue to do what she is doing.

Shame on you W5 for choosing her to be the “poster child” for women in my situation and to continue to allow this "murky" shadow to be cast on us. Most people like me who need help to get pregnant do not want a designer baby with specific traits nor do we want to sell off the ones that don't come back perfect. We want a baby…period.

I vow that once I have a child to call my very own I will do everything that I can to have women in my situation in Canada portrayed as normal, non crazy humans who don't want designer babies with a specific gender or physical characteristics.

I promise.

Why can't $ grow on trees?

We miscalculated how much this was going to cost by $4000...how the heck does that happen?

Ok so I really hope this does happen on the first try because there goes most of try #2 and a lot of the extras that we needed to buy for new babies.

Do you think baby stores have starter kits like the pets stores do for dog and cats?

Plan of Attack and A Celeb Sighting...

Our mini vacation and appointment went really well. The doctor was great, it was nice not to hear "I'm really sorry" when leaving the doctors office. It was nice having a doctor with the next steps to a baby all laid out. This is going to happen.

J is not getting "excited" over the next steps...he just want to "go with the motions". Hes trying to stay grounded to that if this all comes tumbling down hes there to catch me. I love him. We talked with the doctor about doing a mock cycle...he see no need. We talked about 1 embie or 2. We told him we want to do whatever we can to make this more possible. He looked at us and said its not his preference an to really think about if we want to go thru a pregnancy with twins. I would love to have twins and "just get 'er done". But I think its in our best interest to get more information...I'll be visiting Chapter later today....

The main reason that we were at the Dr was that J was going to leave a sample to be frozen. We are going to do the transfer in the end of January and the weather in Ontario may be a problem. So jic we needed a plan B.

So the meeting ended and a few prescriptions were written and then the big bag was handed to me... I don't know why but I never expected that I would have to take needles...for 12 weeks. Yikes the nurse laughed when I looked into the bag. And "cough" vag suppositories to top it all off. Sigh...I still have a few weeks to get myself used to this idea.

Oh here is the celeb sighting that I had...very exciting if anyone watched the Hills or MTV. It was Dan Levy!

J and I were in Chapters and I looked up and there he was...in his unmistakable glasses and gray hat. So fun!!! I am kicking myself now for not asking for a picture with him. Ugh!

Trying Not to Over Control

So I plan catered events for a living. I work for a really great catering company that caters events as small as 12 people to as large as 1200.

Everyday I plan, organize, control, delegate, manage expectations, calm the client, deal with 3rd party suppliers, etc.

So needless to say when the control is in everyone else hands this process is very difficult for me. I am doing me best to hold back calling/emailing the clinic about small things. These are people that I really don't want to make upset or annoyed. Buts its hard not having the control that I have everyday in my worklife.

I have thought about it at night when trying to fall asleep.....here is a bit of a tangent...ugh...why is it that J can have his head hit the pillow and fall asleep in 30 seconds flat to the point where his body is twitching and heavily breathing but it takes me a good 30 minutes to fall asleep most nights. To top it all off my dog also can be snoring on the floor at the end of the bed in the same time as J. Ahh!

Anywho back to thinking at night...I think I'm going to save all of my questions that really could wait in an email that I'll keep as a draft and send it once every 2 weeks. Does this make sense...obviously if it is a question that needs to be answered within 24 hours I'll send it sooner but I think this works...I hope I really don't know how else I'm going to get through the next 2 months otherwise.

We do have an appointment at the clinic on the 15th. The clinic is 5 hours away so we are going to meet the Dr in person (only have had a phone meeting) and for J to leave a little swimmer sample. If the weather is like it normally is in January/February we want to make sure there is a backup plan jic. The Dr also mentioned in our consult that some men have a hard time producing under pressure so its a good call either way....this makes me laugh and J is adamant it won't happen to him...lol.

The Big Screen

We got an email from the clinic today saying they booked the donor in for her screening. They actually had thought we wanted to start right away, but we were hoping to start in January. I told them to keep her screening as scheduled with the thought that if something came back wonky that we would still have time to figure it all out between now and January. They were fine with that.

The reason we want to wait until January is with both or our works are really difficult to get time off in November and December. January is really slow for me but still busy for J. But he works for his dad so getting the time off isn't hard.

We do want to go to the clinic between now and December to leave a J sample, just in case the weather hits us before we need to go down there for fertilization. We live about 5 hours from the clinic and if the snow hits in January we need to make sure we have a plan B.

So this week we need to transfer the retainer fee to the clinic, its a bit scary going through this for the first time and handing over large sums of $....$6000 for agency, $10000 for the medical clinic and there will be more to come in January.

Its hard to keep positive and stress free. I have been going to a holistic practitioner for the past few months but I'm going to stop going to see him. I just don't think he gets it. He asks me the same questions every time I go...and I just can't deal with that, pay attention or do your homework. I think I'm going to go to yoga instead, there are classes at the gym that I got to so I won't need to fork over more $ for it.

Support Group in my Area

I was looking at the IAAC website (Infertility Awareness Association of Canada) and noticed a section call support groups. My DH and I had a great talk the other night about how I need to surround myself with people who REALLY know what we are going through...although I love my blog support group I need some flesh and blood.

There wasn't one registered for my area (there is one at the local clinic but I don't want one monitored by a shrink)...but it also said that if you wanted information on starting your own group to contact them...so I did. About 45 minute later I got an email with a phone number and was asked to call. When I did not only did the person answer right away but I was talking to Beverly Hanck the IAAC Executive Director!!! She gave me some great advise about starting a group.

I'm looking forward to the first one in September.

I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm not alone.

Hi I'm C. I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm not alone. I've been on IVF forums and reading blogs pretty much 40% of my waking hours for the past 2 weeks. I thought I would join the club of blogging.

I never in a million years will forget the day that Dr. told me I would not be able to get pregnant naturally.

Let me start from the beginning...

I was a really active teen, I played in sports and was in competitive gymnastics. So the thought never crossed anyone's mind that I was a skinny flat chested teen...that was normal for gymnasts...jump 2 years...still flat chested, 17 years old and no "hair" or period.

A few doctors appointments later (family, referral to women health center) and then I got the phone call. My mom called me from my bedroom and Dr A was on the phone wanting to talk to me. I'll never forget this...she told me my test results came back with a low hormone level and the genetic testing came back with a diagnosis of "Gonadal Dysgenesis"...I'm not a religious person but I did grow up Catholic, Genesis is the first book in the bible that describes how God created the earth, man and women...how fitting that I got the title "dys"ed.

I asked her what that meant (Gonadal Dysgenesis) and she told me I would never have children that were genetically mine. Then over the phone a baby cried into the receiver...she told me to wait one second as she shifted the child in her arms (or so it sounded like). The woman told me while holding her own child that I would never have one of my own. I will never forget that phone call.